Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Want it or need it?
I have been doing a lot of work with my children with regards to their needs and wants. The older children have discovered that if they want something but need something else they must make a choice. Unfortunately the choice they seem to have come to is whether or not to ask me to meet their needs so they can have their wants. Not the pattern I was hoping for when they were young and I dreamt of them moving out. I always thought they would call me if they ever needed anything but never dreamt they would use their money for wants and expect me to use mine for needs. Where did we go wrong? I have decided that with the next group we need to instill an understanding that they must meet their needs first and then their wants can be explored and prepared for. Any advice for me on this one?? Happy Parenting.
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I think this is where the "old" parenting technique of "tough love" comes into play. sometimes we have to let them fall down, just to help them see the reasoning...that doesn't mean we can't help them back up, help though , not do it for them. maybe I'm out on a cliff on this one?...
ReplyDeleteI don't think so, I think a lot of current parenting suggests that we don't love them if we let them fall but personally i believe based on experience the lesson learned shows much more love than the instant gratification offered by the immediate save. My parenting goal is achieved if my children can survive without me but choose to have me in their lives anyway so I try to balance things to meet that goal. Thanks for the comment, I'm glad to know I'm not alone out here.
ReplyDeleteso what do you do when your kids want you to meet their needs?
ReplyDeleteWe currently way the odds on this subject and make decisions based on each event and the possible consequences of helping or not helping. i.e. my oldest daughter is married and she works in a field she loves but only 37 hours a week for just over minimum wage. her husband works now and then but lives a life of luxury because his parents support his every whim. She needed a cell phone because he and her other room mate kept leaving her at work (we live 8 miles from town and that is a long winter walk) we provided her the phone and we pay the bill for the 1st year. we based this decision on the fact that she is working, paying all of her current bills on her own and refuses to borrow more than 10 gas money every two weeks from us. she obviously respects how hard we work for our money as well so we don't mind helping. One the other hand one of my older boys is back in college after spending several years out of school and he won't help pay his own living expenses or even work for fun money. he recieves money every semester to provide for his expenses and blows the money all at once then reverts to expecting the rest of the family to support him. when this child wanted help to fix up his car or get a new one we refused because he had the money and spent it else where. he may end up without a ride to school and have to ask others to help him out which will put a strain on his freedom and we are hoping it will open his eyes to his need to work. we of course feed him and take care of his health needs but we do not offer gas money or any other assistance unless he does some extra work for us. we do however pay very well for extra work, we pay $10 per hour for hard labor. thanks again for the comment I hope this offers some clarity. By no means have we discovered the magic answer but I do enjoy sharing ideas.
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